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What do you do when you're bombarded with requests, pleas and demands from others that you act according to what they value as important, right, proper and justified?
Do you succumb in order to be liked, avoid rejection, feel included and approved of or to just avoid "making waves"?
Do you sometimes take the opposite tack, and resist acting on what others say has value out of fear of being controlled, saying to yourself, "nobody is going to tell me what to do!"?
Or are you able to discern clearly what your own true values are, and act according to these with compassion and integrity, even when you are under constant pressure to give up your authenticity for the approval and "stamp of legitimacy" of others?
To follow this latter course of action requires you to examine and know what your core values are. It necessitates that you look with awareness at all of the values that you have inherited from others through the various "domestication and socialization programs" you have been exposed to since infancy. It requires you to consciously question what society, your parents, school, and peer pressure have attempted to have you take on as your own values, with no concern with whether these values resonate with your true nature.
To sort out the values that are yours from those that others are constantly attempting to foist on you is only possible when you have inquired and realized at the deepest level of your Being, the answer to the question, "Who am I?
None of us can really know the answer to the question, "what are my values?" until we have sorted out who the "I" is that is asking!
That is what makes answering the question, "Who am I?" the foundation of Core Wisdom. Your true Self is the source of true values in your life.
One of the definitions of "value" found in Webster's Dictionary is, "that which is desirable or worthy of esteem." In articles and arguments, the word, "values," is bandied about these days with much thoughtlessness and impunity.
"Family Values."
"Societal Values."
"Spiritual Values."
When "values" represents inherited assumptions and beliefs that are pre-determined by others to be right and true, the source of our true values is hidden. Most "values" are laid upon us. They show up as standards, obligations, and burdens we must meet in order to avoid pain, fit in, be good, be successful, etc. They are circumstantially and historically determined values, rather than Self-determined values generated consciously with awareness from within.
Through radio, television, junk mail, newspaper and magazine ads, we are constantly encouraged to value that which we can buy, own, wear, drive and consume as the doorways to happiness. Since the horrific and tragic events of September 11th, I have seen advertisements in the USA that promote shopping as our patriotic duty as Americans!
We are asked to take on many values and beliefs when we are young that are driven by fear and the illusion of separateness. We are asked to separate people into "Us" and "Others". Growing up, we are given contradictory ideals and standards to meet:
"Be spontaneous!"
"Be careful! Think things through before you act."
"Be yourself!"
"It's important to fit in, be approved of and be liked."
"Trust yourself."
"If you loved me, you'd do what I say. I know what's best for you."
"Follow your dream."
"What will other people think?"
"It's important to develop your imagination."
"Stop daydreaming, and go do something!"
"Be friendly."
"If you are too open and trusting, people will take advantage of you and you'll get hurt."
"Love your neighbor as yourself."
"Don't trust anyone who is not family."
"Be honest, have integrity in all that you do."
"Do whatever it takes to win and succeed."
"You can be and do whatever you want!"
"To succeed in this (family, group, company, society), you need to be and act...."
"Life is a gift. Appreciate and enjoy each moment."
"Life is hard. Grin and bear it."
These inherited and contradictory values obscure our Divine, creative nature. The impossible task of fulfilling on these inherited values can create deep, unconscious patterns of self-loathing and self-rejection, which often are dramatized as rejection of others. The Heart becomes closed. Compassion takes a holiday. The false, separate self takes control. Then the game becomes, "What's in it for ME?" Fortifying the false self, these values give rise to a world of dichotomy --- a world of good and evil, of reward and punishment, and a compulsive, never-ending need for control, approval, and power.
We are often encouraged to value and reward those actions which are transitory and self-serving ---be they the striving for fame, fortune, power, position, approval or attention. The Enron debacle is just one recent corporate example of what can occur when prime value is put on an unrelenting greed to achieve what you believe you want at any cost, regardless of who gets hurt (as long as it is not you or your in-group). Those seduced by these values of separateness, fear and greed then hold the actions that follow from these values as right, proper and justified. Lying, cheating and betrayal are justified through complex legalese slight -of-hand, hidden within confusing terminology that amounts to nothing more than a corporate confidence game. Control, domination and force take value over authentic service and contribution. Authenticity is banished, and replaced with putting on a front ---- such as hiding the con game behind a mask of caring and respectability by donating funds to the local community project, political party or social charity. Values such as integrity, honesty, trust, honor for one's word, and compassion for others are touted loudly in word, but not in deed, and their demise in the world of action is considered "collateral damage," and the "price of doing business."
Values mandated from the outside as family, society or religious 'hand-me-downs" ---even if these "values" are positive--- can become instruments of philosophical, societal or political constraint. They become moral straitjackets of ideals and beliefs that often encourage us to react to life with resistance, guilt, shame, and blame.
The source of all transcendent, life-affirming values is only found when you can answer the question, "Who am I?" at the deepest, most fundamental level of your being. All the great spiritual teachers have said to "look within." There you will find your inner, core wisdom.
When you directly experience the Infinite Self that is always present within you, you have gotten to the Source of your real values. Then the values espoused by the great spiritual masters throughout history will be experienced as your own.
Values generated from your essential nature, from your essence, are true self-expressions. Values consistent with your true nature are powerful guides for your creativity, joy, and effectiveness in the world.
In Hamlet, Polonius gives Laertes some sage advice:
"This above all: to thine own Self be true,
To know what a person really holds to be of value, observe not just their words, but also their actions.
In the Core Wisdom courses and LifeCoaching, the values, beliefs, and standards that are not consistent with our true nature, and are the source of most of our human suffering, are brought to awareness and released. Those fear-based, inherited values are replaced with values that resonate naturally within us, and encourage the full expression of love, compassion, integrity and full Self-unfoldment.
Stay open and present to the timeless wisdom within you. Then you become aware of its presence in all others and in the world. False beliefs and behaviors dissolve in the light of your true nature, and what you hold of value becomes a natural expression of the Light within.
Your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions begin to resonate together in alignment and harmony. The values of Loving-kindness, Compassion, Empathy, Integrity, Honor, Passionate Commitment, Courage, Responsibility, Joy and Unconditional Love become, not ideals to follow, but authentic expressions of yourself. You are open to receive, open for your actions to be guided by Grace and inner Wisdom.
(An earlier version of this article originally appeared in the October 2001 issue of Open Exchange magazine)
-- Hal Isen
From Core Wisdom On-Line Number 16 - Mar. 18, 2002
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